Scared
by Yazzy
Summary: When you're scared, you don't think straight... Yaoi, TalaBryan. Rated for nonexplicit self harm.
1. Chapter One

This story is on two chapters. I'm only posting the first one today, to see what you all think of it. This story, in its entirety, contains: self-harm (nothing graphic), homophobia, a little bit of swearing (naughty Spencer!), and basically, lots of bad things happen to Tala. Contrary to how it may seem, the ending IS happy!

* * *

Tala had always been a rebel. As a toddler he had spat out the food he didn't want to eat, had kicked and screamed when he was taken to places he didn't like. When he got a little older, he was just as bad; things he didn't like would be treat to a glare, or he would turn his head and put his nose in the air, a mark of disapproval. Even as a teenager he was rebellious- he was always the one who had things he wasn't supposed to, tried the first alcohol, smoked the first cigarette.

Tala had always been a rebel, so it was unsettling to his friends when one day he just...stopped. He became quiet and reserved, not offering an opinion, not responding to any kind of provocation. While Ian tried to cajole Tala out of the depression he seemed to be suffering from, Bryan watched him from the other side of the room.

They were staying in an expensive hotel, and if they'd chosen to they could have had separate rooms, but after having spent so many years together they'd decided to just get one big room with four beds. Bryan was currently sitting on the bed he'd claimed, the one closest to the window. Tala and Ian were sitting in front of the TV, and Spencer was in the shower, singing loudly (and badly).

Tala was lying on the floor, not really interested in the TV programme. Bryan shared his disinterest- only Ian could have found interest in watching 'The Greatest Tea-Cup Fortunes Ever Made'. As far as Bryan could tell it involved gypsies, lots of tea, and rich businessmen. But still...Tala usually feigned interest in the things the others watched, if only to be sociable.

It had been two days since Tala had started acting strangely. Two days, and Bryan hadn't really spoken to him at all. It seemed pointless to enquire after his state of mind when Spencer and Ian had already tried and been refused. His eyes flicked over Tala's body. He wasn't lying strangely; there was nothing wrong with him physically, at least not visibly. His odd silences were starting to worry Bryan; -he- was the surly one, not Tala!

He looked over Tala once more and noticed that he was wearing an old t-shirt and scruffy jeans. Strange, because Tala usually liked to dress well, but perhaps not as strange as the expression on Tala's face. It was a mixture of loneliness and sadness, but something else entirely at the same time. Suddenly, as if sensing that he was being watched, Tala sat up, turning. His eyes locked with Bryan's, and he opened his mouth to speak. Bryan shook his head, then jerked it back, inviting Tala to come and sit by him.

Tala did so, and Bryan looked at him appraisingly. There were dark circles under his eyes- had he been sleeping properly? Obviously not. Whispering, so as not to distract Ian from the TV, he spoke. "Tala...what's wrong with you?"

"Wrong?" Whispered back Tala. He blinked, and fiddled with his nails for a while before replying. "Nothing."

"Then why are you acting so differently? None of us are stupid, Tala. What's going on?" Tala's eyes darted around nervously, then he leaned close to Bryan and cupped a hand around the other boy's ear, whispering into it. "My brother's died." He drew back, looking sad once again. Bryan frowned. Tala had a brother? He had never known... "Don't tell." He shook his head.

"Older or younger?"

"Older. Quite a lot older. He looked after me for a bit...before I came to the abbey."

"Why didn't you say anything before?" Tala looked down at the floor.

"I...didn't think you'd want to know." Bryan nibbled on his lip for a second, then stood up.

"Follow me out to the reception in ten minutes." Tala nodded, glad that Bryan understood that he didn't want to talk about it with the others around.

* * *

Tala appeared by the counter eleven minutes later exactly, and Bryan was waiting for him. They wandered into the bar and to a table in the corner, sitting down silently. After a while, Bryan reached over the highly polished pine and touched Tala's arm. "Tala...why did you think we wouldn't want to know?" Bryan watched as Tala hung his head, eyes fixed on the table top.

"I...just didn't think you would care...sort of..."

"Didn't think we would care!" A few people in the near vicinity turned to stare. Bryan lowered his voice and continued. "Tala, how could you think we wouldn't care? -I- definitely care!" Tala sniffed and wiped his eyes. "Tala..."

"Do you really care?" Tala sounded as if he didn't really believe it.

"Of course I care!" Bryan stood up and went round to the other side of the table, sitting down next to Tala and laying an arm around his shoulder. Tala sniffed and wiped his eyes again. Bryan tightened his hold, pulling the redhead flush up against himself and leaning his head against Tala's, mingling the colours of their hair. "What was he called?"

"Dimitri." Tala whispered.

"How old was he?"

"Twenty six. He was...ten years older than me. He's my half brother really, but I never knew my father, and my mother...died. When I was eight. So Dimitri looked after me for a couple of years, till I went to the abbey. I haven't seen him since I was...twelve? Thirteen? I don't even know. They sent me a letter a couple of days ago. It came just before we came here..."

Bryan suddenly remembered. He remembered seeing Tala looking through the post, opening a letter absently, and then practically running out of the room. He hadn't asked about it...maybe it would have been better if it had. "Tala..." Tala dropped his head again and Bryan saw a tiny spot of wet appear on the table top. Bryan stroked Tala's hair gently, saddened by Tala's loss and his lack of trust. "Maybe we should go for a walk outside?" Bryan suggested. Tala nodded, unable to open his mouth to speak. He let Bryan pull him up and lead him outside. The hotel had extensive grounds, and so it wasn't hard to find a bench somewhere out of the way.

They sat down. Bryan still unable to think of anything worth saying. He slipped an arm around Tala's waist. Somehow, that tiny action made Tala crack. He suddenly burst into a flood of tears and shifted, burying his face in Bryan's collar. "Tala..." Tala clutched at him, shaking with sobs. Bryan held him for a second longer then pulled Tala onto his lap. "Tala, do you want to talk about it all?"

"I'm n-never going to see him again, Bryan! He was the only family I had left! Okay, m-maybe I didn't see him often, but he was still -there-!"

"I won't pretend to know how it feels...but I'm here, Tala. I'm here for you."

"When I was eight...when I was older even, and still now...he's one of the only people who's ever really loved me...he was my big brother, he looked after me, he played with me, and I loved him! It's not...it's not fair!" Bryan sighed.

"Tala, why didn't you -say- anything?"

"B-Because..."

"You didn't think we'd care?" Tala nodded, still crying. Bryan held him tighter. "Tala, we care, all of us care. Why do you think Ian's spent all night trying to cheer you up?"

"Bryan..."

"Tala...it's not just about Dimitri, is it?" Tala swallowed and then nodded. "Tala, what is it?"

"I...I..." Tala sat back, then pulled up his t-shirt. Bryan gasped, horrified, and reached out to touch the mass of scars that stood out lividly on Tala's stomach. Some of them were still smudged with blood...they looked deep, and painful... Tala tugged down his t-shirt again and stood up. Bryan grabbed hold of his wrists and pulled him down again. "Tala...what...what the hell is going on?" Tala closed his eyes and relaxed, slumping against Bryan weakly.

"I'm in trouble, Bryan..."

"Tala..."

"I started...and I can't stop...and I feel so alone, Bryan...so...s-so alone..."

"Tala...how-? Why-?" Bryan floundered for words, suddenly out of his depth. He held Tala tighter, instantly protective of his friend. "Tala..." It was just too much. Tala was cutting himself? His brother had died? How many more secrets were there? "Tala, -why-?"

"I...I..." Tala snivelled and pressed his face into Bryan's neck. "I'm gay..."

"You are?" Bryan was puzzled. What did that have to do with anything? Tala nodded slightly. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I thought...S-Spencer always says...gays are disgusting...I was scared...scared he'd hate me..."

"Is that why you didn't say anything about Dimitri? You thought we would be angry at you for telling us?"

"Bryan...I..." Tala gave a choked sob and clung to Bryan. "I've told you so many lies..."

"Lies?" Bryan suddenly realised that he was totally in over his head...but Tala needed help, and he knew that at the moment he was the only person who could give it.

"Well...not lies...but there's so much I haven't told you..." Tala curled up on Bryan's lap, wailing. "Dimitri...cutting...the...the other thing...and...Bryan...I..." Tala curled his hand in Bryan's hair. "I'm in love with you..." He whispered, sniffing. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."

"Tala... Bryan's arms tightened possessively. "You...love me?"

"I'm sorry..." Tala whispered, shivering despite the warmth of the night.

"You were...scared to tell me?" Tala nodded, still hiding his face on Bryan's neck and collar. "I'm not...angry...or anything."

"Y-You're n-n-not?" Stuttered Tala.

"No." Tala sat up, tears shimmering on his face. He looked into Bryan's eyes, not daring to believe it was true.

"D-Do you mean it?"

"Tala, why are you scared of me? I've been your friend for years...don't you trust me?" Tala looked horrified.

"Of course I do! B-But...when Spencer said...I couldn't tell you...I thought you might hate me...I th-thought I would lose you..."

"Tala...I'd never do anything like that. I'm not like Spencer. Tala...it's okay..."

"Do you promise?" Tala's voice was barely a whisper.

"I promise." Tala breathed a laughing sigh of relief and wound his arms around Bryan's neck. "Tala...is that why you've been being funny these last two days? You were already hiding so much and the news about Dimitri just...pushed you too far?" Tala sniffed.

"When you say it like that...I suppose...it is..." There was a short pause. "Dimitri was gay too. He understood, when I was thirteen and I told him. I remember...it was the last time I saw him...he said that as long as I was happy, it didn't matter if people knew or not...but I'm not happy, Bryan...I couldn't-couldn't say anything to you all...and it was so hard keeping it a secret..."

"But Tala...why did you-?" Bryan dug his hand between them and felt Tala's stomach. Tala winced and gave a small gasp of pain. Bryan pushed him back slightly and saw that the front of the t-shirt was wet with lines of blood. "You were...you did that...you were in the bathroom before Spencer, weren't you? Were you-?"

"I'm sorry!" Gasped Tala. His arms folded around his stomach, hiding it. "I'm sorry!" He was sitting so far back on Bryan's knees that the sudden movement made him start to fall backwards. Bryan caught him by the arms and pulled him back up again. Tala was trembling, so much that Bryan could hardly keep hold of him. "Tala, it's okay." Bryan pried Tala's arms away from his stomach gently. "It's okay." He tried to lift up the t-shirt to look, but Tala pushed his hands away.

"No! It's okay, they'll stop bleeding!" He seemed desperate to not make Bryan angry, but he was only making him more worried.

"Tala, please. I'm not angry. Just...show me." Tala took hold of one of Bryan's hands and slid it under his t-shirt. Bryan felt the wet skin beneath, gently pressing. "Tala...doesn't it hurt?"

"Of course it does..."

"But why? Why would you do something like that?"

"B-Because I couldn't...tell...I felt...lonely...it just made me feel...better..."

"Tala, you have to stop!" Bryan pulled his bloodied hand out from under the shirt and showed it to Tala. "You shouldn't...do this to yourself..."

"I..."

"Tala...I know I can't do anything about Dimitri, but...if you want to tell me anything, I won't be angry or anything like that."

"B-but no-one can know...you have to keep it a secret!"

"What?"

"All of it! You can't tell Spencer and Ian, you can't tell anyone!" Tala whispered, horrified of the thought of people knowing.

"Tala, you have to!" Tala put a hand over Bryan's mouth, shaking his head violently.

"You can't tell them! They'll hate me!" His other hand caressed Bryan's cheek tenderly. "Don't tell...don't...don't tell...please Bryan...please..." He begged. Bryan stroked Tala's stomach, his other arm around Tala's waist. Tala's hand moved up to Bryan's hair, feathering the pale strands through his fingers. "You're so beautiful, Bryan...don't make them hate me...don't tell them...please don't make them make me go away..."

"Tala...no-one's going to make you go away, no-one will hate you. You know people in the other teams who are gay- Lee, is, and Michael, even Rei is, and no-one does anything to them! It's okay to be gay, Tala. It's okay."

"But you...and Ian and Spencer..."

"Tala, keeping it a secret is making you -ill-. It's making you hurt yourself. If Spencer says anything that makes you hurt yourself any more I'll kill him! Same for Ian! But don't you think they'll want to know why you're being so different all of a sudden? I'd rather know than see you just...drifting around, being depressed."

"R-really?"

"Really. Tala...oh God, Tala...how didn't I notice?" Bryan pulled Tala closer, feeling guilty. He should have noticed. How had he never noticed all of this happening to Tala? Tala said he'd been gay since he was thirteen- three years... "Tala...how long...have you loved me?" Tala traced delicate fingers over Bryan's lips. "You were why...I first realised what I am...I suppose...I've loved you...longer than I've been gay...I mean...sometimes I would go out with g-guys...b-but they weren't you..." Bryan gazed into Tala's eyes as he was talking, and realised what Tala needed most of all. He stretched up his hands and took hold of Tala's shoulders, pulling him quickly closer and kissing him softly.

Tala stiffened, fingers tightening painfully in Bryan's hair. Bryan didn't break the kiss, just held Tala closer, draping his arms around Tala's neck and shoulders. Tala's grip slowly lessened and he started to kiss back, then pulled away suddenly. "Bryan...you're not just doing this because...you feel guilty...are you?" His eyes filled with tears. "I want to know. I'd rather know."

"Tala..." Bryan sighed. "God Tala...this is all so much...I don't know how I feel any more...I just want you to be okay...I don't want to let anyone hurt you..."

His legs were starting to go numb from having Tala sat on them, and he shifted. "It's cold. Should we go back inside?"

"Bryan...we're covered in blood...Ian and Spencer-"

"I don't care about Ian and Spencer. You're only wearing a t-shirt, Tala, you'll catch your death of cold out here, and you need to get cleaned up." He looked down at his hand. "So do I. Come on." Tala whimpered and shook his head.

"People will see...they can't see, Bryan!"

Bryan stood up, making Tala stand with him. He took off his jacket and held it out. "If you zip it up people won't notice the bloodstains. I'll put my hands in my pockets as well."

"But...Ian-"

"And Spencer, I know. Look, Tala, they don't matter at the minute. You do. Because you're in trouble. Please just let me try and help you. That's all I want to do..." Tala wavered, then tugged on the jacket, zipping it up firmly.

"What can I say to them? They'll want to know what happened to me...I know my eyes are all red, and I'm wearing -your- jacket!"

"Tala, stop worrying what people will think!" Bryan reached out and took hold of Tala's hand tightly, pulling him back towards the main entrance of the hotel. As they got closer, Tala started trembling. "They can't know...they'll hate me..." He stopped short in the middle of the path and refused to move another step.

"Tala, -please-! Tala, you're worrying me, please, just come inside! It doesn't matter what Ian and Spencer say, it doesn't matter what anyone says!" Tala shook his head stubbornly. Bryan felt like screaming or crying. Not only was he having to deal with all this truth that had been shot into him, but he had to deal with Tala in this emotional, terrified state. The bad thing was, he knew he was no good at it. "Tala, if you don't start walking I'm going to pick you up and -carry- you back upstairs."

Tala wrenched his hand away from Bryan's and turned, starting to run. Bryan did the only thing he could think of; he rugby tackled Tala to the floor, twisting so that he ended up sitting on Tala's thighs. "Get off me!" Tala hissed, suddenly irrationally angry. Bryan cursed inwardly. Tala was acting like a hormonal woman! Angry one second, crying the next...maybe next he would be happy...perhaps? "Tala..." Bryan leaned over, pinning Tala's arms above his head, and kissed him.

Confident after their first kiss, Tala was a lot more adventurous, slipping his tongue into Bryan's mouth and exploring it. The sensation of having Tala's tongue inside his mouth was almost enough to make Bryan melt right there and then. He could feel the love and passion that Tala was pushing into the kiss and kissed back in the same way. Soon he let go of Tala's arms and Tala latched them around his neck, yanking Bryan closer and closer until they were so tightly pressed it hurt.

However, when Tala gave a tiny gasp of pain Bryan realised- Tala's cuts...he would be pressing against them! He sat up quickly and laid a hand over Tala's stomach. Tala shook his head. "Doesn't matter." He whispered breathlessly. He tried to pull Bryan back down but he refused.

"Tala, come on. Please. You need to get those cleaned up, and it isn't doing either of us any good to sit on the floor." Tala looked away from him, tears gathering in his eyes. "Tala..." Bryan picked Tala up and hugged him. "Tala, please. Please, just come back inside. Don't worry about Ian or Spencer, worry about yourself."

Tala reluctantly allowed himself to be led back into the hotel, although as they walked through reception Bryan could feel him shaking. When they got inside the lift, they were joined by an intensely fat man who stared at Tala as if he were something off the bottom of his shoe. Bryan glared. He could almost feel Tala's resolve breaking. "What I hate about getting in lifts is that idiotic people stare at you." He said loudly, standing in between Tala and the man's glare. "Wouldn't you say so?" The man blushed and looked away, and Tala gave a nervous laugh.

The fat man got off at the next floor, leaving Bryan and Tala to travel up one more floor alone. Bryan pulled Tala along the corridor to their room, 412, and opened the door. Tala froze in the doorway.

* * *

I know I was mean to Tala, I know, and it'll get worse before it gets better…but it will get better, I promise! Anyway, please R&R and tell me what you thought. 


	2. Chapter Two

Boo! Here's the second chapter. I tried a different style of ending with this one, so your comments would be appreciated. Thanks to all the people who reviewed:

Rejiita: Here's the update, hope you like it!

Lullaby Lily: Hope you didn't get a hangover, and thanks for being so kind!

Endoh Chiaki: Thanks to you for being kind too- it's nice to know people enjoy the things I write!

Mistress-of-eternal-Darkness: Thanks!

Lemmingsrule: I know I was mean to Tala, I'm sorry! It gets better though!

Ellen: Um…please don't die…that wouldn't be good…and thanks for reviewing!

BTW, this is the last chapter as well!

* * *

Wondering why Tala had stopped so suddenly, Bryan looked over his shoulder and saw what Spencer and Ian were watching on TV. It was a news report on a riot somewhere, and there were a crowd of people behind the reporter chanting "Kill the gays!"

"It is suspected that more than twenty gay men were killed in an attack on a gay pride parade last month in Moscow, and the government is using this as an example of modern hooliganism..." Spencer looked up.

"Alright you two. Seen this? There wants to be more of that kind of thing, there's too many gays around-"

Bryan felt Tala tense. "Why're you just standing in the doorway?" Asked Ian, looking up as well as the screen showed one of the dead people being lifted into a body bag. Tala collapsed to his knees. "D-Dimitri..." He whispered. Bryan looked back to the screen quickly. The man...he had red hair...a pointed nose...Tala's wide blue eyes, staring into nothingness... The bag was zipped up fully as Bryan understood. "Oh no...Tala...that was-?"

"Tala? What's wrong?" Spencer and Ian leaned over the sides of their armchairs as Tala burst into tears.

"Dimitri..."

"The body just shown was that of Dimitri Ivanov, a gay rights campaigner originally from Minsk. He and five of his friends were shot while they were marching. This is of course more evidence that gun crimes in the modern world are up..."

"Ivanov? That was...your brother?" Asked Spencer, incredulous. "Your brother was a gay? Ugh..." He pulled a face. "Glad you turned out different."

"Don't speak like that about him!" Tala sobbed. "However you insult him you insult me!" Bryan could see that the situation was descending into a crisis, but he couldn't think of a way of ending the spiral into disaster. "Would you kill me? Do I deserve to die? Is that what you're saying?" Tala got to his feet and Bryan could see that the blood from the re-opened cuts on his stomach was seeping down onto his trousers.

"Tala...I didn't mean that your brother deserved to die...I..."

"Yes you did! Because he was gay! You said there should me more of that! Well get out a gun and shoot -me- then Spencer, because I'm gay too!" Tala screamed. Bryan watched, helpless. It was all so complicated...Dimitri, dying for being gay, Tala's fear of telling people, his cutting... "Should I die, Spencer? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?"

"Tala...you're...you're not gay..." Tala whipped round and grabbed Bryan, kissing him firmly. He wound his arms around Bryan's neck and Bryan pulled him closer. If this was how Tala wanted it to be...

Tala pulled away from him and turned his head. "I am. I'm gay. So do I deserve to die? Does Bryan deserve to die for letting me kiss him?" Spencer gawped at them, unable to comprehend what he was seeing. "Answer me!" Snapped Tala. Spencer gaped at him, a look of disgust etched upon his features. Bryan could almost predict what was going to happen next. "I've been sharing a room with a gay? Ugh!"

Bryan watched Tala's back as he tugged off the jacket and flung it onto the nearby table. The redhead turned, and Bryan could see that his whole front was red. He started to walk towards the door, then swayed, hand going immediately to his stomach. "I think it went too deep this time..." He whispered. Bryan wasn't sure if he was talking about Spencer's comment or the cuts. Tala closed his eyes for a second, then opened them full of tears. He started walking again and stumbled, falling.

He hit the floor with a muffled thud and Bryan cried out, kneeling down beside him and turning him over. Tala reached up a hand and caressed Bryan's cheek. "I told you..." He said thickly. "I told you they'd hate me...every day I lose more...sometimes I think it's not worth it..."

"Tala..." Bryan, in panic, ripped Tala's t-shirt down the front, exposing his abused top half.

"They'll stop bleeding. They always do...I've just moved too much, that's all. Don't worry about it..." Tala smiled, then Spencer loomed over him and the smile dropped away, replaced with a mix of anger, sadness and fear. Bryan growled. "Spencer, if you touch one hair on his head I swear I'll kill you."

"Maybe that would be better..." Whispered Tala. "It's people like you who made me do all this. People who can't accept the happiness of others, ne, Spence? You always thought you were so great, Mr. Straight, all macho, but did you ever suspect me? No. You're just full of stereotypes. Would it make you feel good if I died? Would it?" Spencer just stared at him. "Could you even bear to touch me? I've been there for you for so long, but something that doesn't even concern you is making you hate me..." He turned his eyes to Bryan. "I always knew it would be like this. It happened to Dimitri...that's why I was so scared, even before he was murdered..." He closed his eyes. "Isn't it funny how you can hate someone you don't even know for being what they are? That you can hate someone who you've known for years just because they're honest enough to tell you what they are?

"The word gay...used to mean happy and carefree...but being gay now is anything but carefree because of people like you, Spencer. And where's Ian? Is he staring at me as if he wants to knife me as well? I'm the same person I was before you knew. I still hate dogs, and I still like marshmallows. I've been gay for years...you've never noticed...and you're judging me when you have no right to! If I could get up Spencer, don't think I wouldn't have kicked your ass by now!" He opened his eyes and glared at Spencer. Bryan watched Spencer's hand curl into a fist and tensed, ready to push him away.

"Why didn't you tell us before?" Asked the tall boy, voice taut.

"Because I was scared...scared of what you'd think...but when I walked in I realised. You think being gay is like a disease, something to be eradicated...you think it's some kind of horrific mutation on what's normal, but did you know, Spence, only five percent of people are fully straight...sexuality is a sliding scale- you might even be part gay yourself. Isn't that ironic?" He laughed bitterly and raised a hand to his stomach, slipping his finger inside one of the wide cuts and brushing along inside it, tearing it further, making more blood seep out of it. "Bryan...could you get me a doctor?" The finger probed further, ripping the skin even more.

"Tala, stop that! You're making it worse!"

"Worse? How could it be worse?" Bryan almost panicked.

"Ian, go and get the medic, he's in the room off reception." Ian pelted away, and Bryan leaned over Tala, stroking his cheek. "Tala...it didn't look that bad outside..."

"It was dark...and I tore it when I struggled...Bryan..." Bryan could see that Tala's eyes were unfocusing. "I'm all messed up...maybe it would be better..."

"No!" Bryan cried.

"Everything's going wrong...my life is such a mess..." Tala closed his eyes. "If I wake up...will you be there?"

"God, Tala, of course I'll be there..." Bryan took hold of Tala's hand as he drifted into unconsciousness, then let go, standing up. "You did this. You did this to him. He was so scared of losing you as a friend he tortured himself, mentally and physically, and was it worth it all if this is how you treat him?"

"So you're gay as well? You're with him? Bryan how the fuck can you?"

"Oh for God's sake Spencer! Stop being so narrow-minded! Just forget he's gay for a -minute- and help me lift him onto the bed!" Spencer obliged and waited in silence with Bryan until Ian came back with the doctor, who was old, plump and thankfully not cheerful. Bryan didn't think he could bear it if he was cheerful... "He's a cutter, yes?" The doctor got straight to the point, and Bryan watched, helpless again, as the doctor cleaned Tala up and saw to his wounds. Before too long Tala was sporting a thick layer of bandages around his middle and the doctor had left, saying that he would go and call an ambulance. Bryan sat down on the bed next to the sleeping redhead and stroked his hair out of his eyes.

"His brother died...his brother died for being gay...and he was gay too...so he was even more scared than he had been about telling us...he was scared of losing us...so he hurt himself because he felt alone...he felt as if he couldn't talk to us..." Ian sat down as well and touched Tala's hand.

"I wouldn't have cared...why couldn't he just tell us? I would've rather known before now than have to see him like this..." He said quietly. Bryan turned to glare at Spencer.

"He couldn't tell us because he was scared of that homophobe over there." He stood up, pointing angrily, accusingly. "You spent your time saying gays should die and gays should be shipped out of the country and you scared him so much that he knifed himself on a regular basis! Some of those scars are months, maybe years old!"

The doctor rushed back inside with a team of paramedics and they hoisted Tala onto a stretcher. Bryan followed them down to the ambulance and got in with them, leaving Spencer and Ian watching from the reception as a crowd of people came to watch. There were two paramedics; a short brunette woman and a thin blonde man. The woman patted Bryan's shoulder as they took off the bandages and started to re-check Tala's condition. "Now we're just being careful, he's going to be okay but we need to make sure everything's as it should be, okay? We'll have your friend better in no time, and when he wakes up we can have him see a psychologist and get everything sorted out."

"I know why he did it." Bryan said quietly.

"Could you tell us why? It might help..." Asked the man. Bryan looked down at Tala and sighed.

"He's gay. He was...scared of telling us, and he felt as if he was alone...by the time he'd told me...he'd cut too deep...one of our friends...is homophobic. He kept saying gays should die so Tala was scared...and his brother was murdered in a gay pride parade and he was even more scared of telling us..." The woman nodded and clucked sympathetically.

"Don't worry, hon, we'll sort everything out now. Don't worry about a thing."

"I told him I'd be with him when he woke up..."

"You can be, it's okay. Now when we get to the hospital, we're going to take your friend to get his cuts stitched, and then we'll do some tests, and when we've put him in a bed we'll come and get you from the waiting room, okay? You can stay with him if you want to. I know how important it is to be there for your friends, after all..."

* * *

Bryan looked down at Tala and bit his lip. He looked so strange, just lying there in the bed, hooked up to a drip and breathing softly, skin pale against the sheets. Bryan reached out and touched his cheek, then looked up sharply as someone came in. It was Ian and Spencer, and they both looked worried. "Is he going to be okay?" Asked Spencer. Bryan was tempted to shake his head, just to see if Spencer felt even the tiniest bit of guilt, but he knew that was pointless and so nodded. "He'll live. No thanks to you."

"I still don't think it's right. But Tala was right. He's been there for me. I guess I could live with if he doesn't..."

"If he doesn't what?" Bryan asked, temper rising.

"If he doesn't...you know...act gay when I'm around. Like kissing you and stuff."

"I don't care as long as he's okay, you know?" Put in Ian. Bryan nodded.

"Now we just have to wait for him to wake up..."

* * *

Tala moaned and opened his eyes slowly. "Tala?"

"Bryan?" Tala had to drag the word up from deep inside himself. His eyes moved back into focus and Bryan's concerned face peered down at him. "Tala, are you awake?"

"Yeah..."

"Tala..." Bryan gave a half-laugh half-sigh and took hold of Tala's hand. "You're okay..."

"Ian? And Spencer?"

"Tala, Ian never really minded in the first place, and I talked to Spencer while we were waiting for you to wake up. As long as you don't...act gay around him, he doesn't care... Tala, do you feel okay?" Tala yawned and started to sit up, but Bryan pushed him back down gently. "Don't get up, Tala, just lie still. You need to rest- you lost a lot of blood in the end..."

Tala looked up at the blood drip hanging above his bed. "How long have I been asleep?"

"A few hours, I think. I don't know. Some time. Ian and Spencer just went to get us some drinks, but I said I'd stay..." Bryan glanced at the door and then when he was satisfied no-one was coming he moved closer and kissed Tala tenderly. "I was scared, Tala. I thought I was going to lose you." His eyes filled with tears. "You have to promise me you won't hurt yourself any more, Tala. I don't ever want to suffer like this again, thinking you could die..."

"Spencer and Ian are really okay with it? As long as I don't...around them?"

"Yeah." Bryan smiled down at Tala and leaned in to kiss him again. Slightly more awake than last time, Tala wound his arms around Bryan's neck and yanked him closer. Bryan strove to keep his balance and only succeeded in doing so by grabbing the bedpost.

"Ahem." Someone cleared their throat with all the subtlety of a pneumatic drill and Tala and Bryan sprang apart. Spencer was in the doorway, looking severely unimpressed. Tala smiled. "You should learn to knock, Spence. It'd save you a lot of eye burning." Spencer nodded and moved inside, letting Ian in as well.

He closed his eyes, then suddenly tensed. "Bryan, when will I be out of here?"

"I don't know...why?"

"I need to go back to Moscow...Dimitri...Dimitri's funeral's next week..."

"Oh."

"Can you ask someone?" Tala looked slightly desperate.

"I'll go." Ian stood up and went out, presumably to find one of the nurses. Tala lay back, looking worried again. Bryan didn't like that expression on Tala's face. He nodded towards the door and Spencer took the hint, saying something about needing the toilet and disappearing quickly.

"Tala, there's nothing for you to worry about any more, okay?" Bryan sat down beside Tala and took hold of his hands, squeezing them gently. "They want a psychologist to speak to you, but I think the problem's sorted itself...hasn't it?" If his hands had been free he would have crossed his fingers. Tala looked down at their joined hands for a second then smiled softly. "Yeah. I don't have anything to be scared of any more... You know...its kind of weird...how much being scared can do to you. If you're scared...you don't think straight. I was scared for so long..."

Bryan nodded as the door opened and Ian came back in. "They said you'll be out by next week, so don't worry." He came and sat down next to Tala, patting his shoulder reassuringly. Seconds passed and the door opened again. Bryan let go of Tala's hands but Spencer shook his head. He sat down next to Tala's feet. "I don't mind."

Tala sighed happily and leaned to one side, resting his head on Bryan's shoulder. "You really don't?"

"No. But only because it's you."

"All gay men have friends, Spence. Don't you think they all feel the same way? All they want is to be able to be who they are inside." He smiled thoughtfully. "You know...I think I'll do what Dimitri did and campaign for gay rights. Because I understand now. If you get murdered because your gay...well...why would you want to be alive in a world where you have to live a double life to justify your existence anyway? Dimitri was never scared of people knowing what he was. And maybe he died, but he didn't have to go through all this pain first. I'm not scared any more. I won't let other peoples' opinions hurt me like that again."

Bryan took hold of his hand once more and held it to his chest. "Tala..." He smiled. "I love you too." Tala blinked, then smiled back.

"Really?" Bryan nodded. "Honestly?" Another nod. "You're not just pranking Spencer are you?"

"No!"

"Good because I'm pranking you. Come here." Tala hugged Bryan tightly. "I'm not scared...because I know I have you to help me." He whispered into Bryan's ear. He pulled away slightly, looking at Ian and Spencer as well. "You know what? When the psychologist comes I'm going to tell him I have a whip fetish and see how freaked he gets!"

* * *

Years later, Bryan would have identified that as the point when everything went back to normal- Tala went back to being bossy, impulsive and inherently lovable, Spencer went back to being the surly guy in the corner, and Ian...well Ian just went back to being Ian. There were changes of course: when they went to hotels they didn't have to fork out as much, they just got three beds instead of four. Bryan stayed quietly gay for a while, until Tala dragged him on a gay pride march, and then he wasn't at all bothered about people knowing about him and Tala. Spencer eventually came around to the idea of homosexuality, so much so that he decided he would try it for himself. Bryan always wondered why he chose a lap dancer, of all people, to fall in love with. And the biggest change of all? Well that would have been the psychologist's. After his session with Tala he quit his job and took up white water rafting. It seemed less dangerous.

fin

* * *

Well, there you go, it's finished! Please R&R, I want to know what you think!

PS, all the stuff about doctors is just made up- sorry if it's all total rubbish and isn't actually what happens...


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